Istikhara

My whole life I have felt uncomfortable talking about my religion or what I believed in and not because I was embarrassed but because I was never sure. From the age of 6 up to the age of 18 people would ask me what religion I am, and I always answered with this ‘I don’t have a religion I just believe in God’. Even though I was born into a Muslim family who don’t follow it themselves, it was hard for me to understand what being a Muslim really meant which is why it was uncomfortable for me.

One thing I was sure of though is my belief in God or a higher power and I think that’s because my mum constantly mentioned God which instilled the belief in me without really knowing why.

I also never became in tune with that feeling nor looked deeper into it as I was living passively and focused on this temporary world with everything and everyone in it. I never asked myself the big questions such as ‘who am I’ ‘what is my purpose’ and ‘why does this world exist’. Growing up in London, in this day and age, made it hard for me to dive in to especially with the world becoming so secular and Islam being stigmatised negatively. Religion has been seen as ‘too extreme’ or ‘oppressive’ which I do admit consumed and brainwashed me into someone who chose to believe what she was told and not read into it myself. Long story short, it was bliss being ignorant. Being young made it easy to fall into that trap of internalising everything you hear and being conditioned into believing what the media feeds.

You see everyone doing the same thing and living the same way that you don’t even consider questioning it because it’s already been indoctrinated in you without realising.

At the age of 19, just last year, I went through some things which humbled me deeply and made me realise the instability of people which deepened my curiosity of what the world meant or at least what my purpose in this world meant. As I went through this emotional shift, I got to explore the big questions which played on my mind and then it all made sense. The biggest gift I received was this, receiving Islam at my lowest point without even asking for it. God answered my hearts deepest desire without having to utter a word. My heart accepted Islam before my mind did and this came in the form of understanding, I completely understood Islam and the wisdom behind it and I’m so grateful for that. I’m grateful I didn’t turn away from it or deny the message or misunderstand it. I’m grateful that despite being angry at the world and not understanding why certain things happen, I understood Islam. As well as the understanding aspect of it, it was the spiritual aspect of it that helped me, that pushed me to build that connection with God and it was the nourishment I so desperately yearned for. At this point in my life, I was still consumed by this world and that made it hard for me to break that barrier and let God in completely. I was at such a low point in my life that reaching out to God and unpacking all of that emotional weight seemed impossible, but yet I knew I wanted to.

Two years later, I’m now 22, writing this during Ramadan. I write this whilst still being on this journey which fluctuates all the time and I’m coming to terms with the fact that its normal and okay.

As hard as I am on myself and as much as I would love to be on my deen more, my perspective has changed. I see God as the being that He is, the Al Waduud, the All-Loving, The creator of love. He doesn’t seek perfection from me, only progress and intent. I guess I’m trying to let others internalise this as much as I’m trying to internalise this myself. The harder I am on myself, the more I dismiss God for who he really is, and the more I see Islam as a burden which disables me from doing anything. God loves us more than our own mothers, his mercy is infinite and yet we talk ourselves of coming to him because why? We assume He won’t forgive us when He has told us He will, all we need to do is ask. He has told us we are always welcome and yet we can’t bring ourselves to believe it. We assume we have to come as close to perfect as possible when the reality is, God loves the sinner who repents. As much as I struggle with this journey it’s also one I can’t let go of, its one I need and I’m so grateful for that longing. Ramadan has just started and yet I have already learnt so much. I have learnt that I don’t need to come prepared in order to be accepted. I don’t need to take on more than I can bear to be forgiven.

I simply just need to arrive, and God will be waiting.

The way I approached Islam and the advice I will give to approach a religion which seems daunting at first is to come to it with an open mind and an open heart. Forget about what everyone has said, what you have read and let yourself see it for yourself. Islam to me is not just about spirituality and the feelings it brings, but also the logic and wisdom it has behind it. The answers to every single problem us humans deal with. It’s a guide on how to deal with life and what to do with trials and afflictions, which is something all of us need and are in search for.

Denada Kuka

Journeying to Islam: “I Simply Just Need to Arrive, and God Will Be Waiting”